September 6, 2020 | Ian Bland | Leave a comment The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Traffic Management“. Another poem from lockdown and after the strangeness that is the 3RRR Radiothon, JVG has decided to relax back into his usual toying with us all and chose “Traffic Management” as the theme this week. I ask you, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? “Traffic Management” isn’t so much a theme as its government ad campaign. Still, you have to work with what you are given. Ed Bates provided the music backing and sound effects. Thatch provided the audio production, have a listen to how it went below… To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below: https://ianbland.com.au/audio/JVG_Poem20200906.mp3 Traffic Management Clifford Gadd was not a stupid man; neither was he smart A suspicious disposition ruled less by brain than heart He’d lived at number fourteen since nineteen fifty eight Which in his mind granted sovereignty well beyond his gate The street and all its occupants he viewed as his dominion Everything annoyed him and would illicit an opinion The colour of your fence; your gutters needed cleaning You couldn’t change your curtains without Clifford intervening He’d call the council daily over some perceived infraction Even hanging out the washing you’d have Cliff demanding action There was one offence guaranteed to get Cliff in a tizz Park outside his house – that stretch of road was his Woe betide the trespasser with the gall to pinch his spot Reserved for Clifford’s Humber Super Snipe; interlopers shot Fail to heed the warning, you had a hose shoved through your vent Windows smeared with dog shit and windscreen wipers bent This deterrent proved effective; no-one dared to push their luck Till one day Cliff came home to find a beaten up old truck Cliff tried his usual tactics, even fiddled with the steering Despite his disincentives, the truck kept reappearing Every time that Cliff went out, he’d return to find that heap It always vanished late at night while Cliff was fast asleep He tried to find the owner but couldn’t track them down It was registered to a dead man from the other side of town So he knocked on every door on both sides of the street No-one had the foggiest, so Cliff turned up the heat Determined he would find who drove the rusting Commer Van He retreated to his kitchen and devised a cunning plan First, he filled his thermos; one part coffee, three parts scotch Grabbed a packet of Iced Vovos, his coat, a torch and watch That evening, being Wednesday, he took out the wheelie bin Made sure no-one was watching and quietly scrambled in He aimed to catch the car park thief and bust him for his crime But when scotch is mixed with coffee, the scotch wins every time He was fast asleep in seconds, you can figure out the rest Waste disposal picked him up and Clifford was compressed His dictatorship was over; the neighbourhood was rapt His beloved Humber Super Snipe alas, was also scrapped Ironically the council removed Cliff’s parking space Built a massive speed hump right outside his old place A monument to recalcitrance that reason could not save Round the neighbourhood that hump was christened Clifford’s grave As to the driver of the Commer Van, we’ll be forever in the dark Under fifty tonnes of landfill Clifford finally had his park © Copyright 2020 Ian Bland Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing” <a href=”http://music.ianbland.com.au/album/everything-and-nothing”>Everything And Nothing by Ian Bland</a> Share this:TweetEmailMoreTelegram