Bland On Bland – Twenty

Photo By Jools Thatcher
Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Twenty” so I found my self thinking about  twenty things you could do for less than twenty dollars.

Ed Bates returns to his spot on guitar this week


Twenty things for less than twenty dollars

What can twenty dollars buy you these days?
At first glance, not a great deal
But dig a bit deeper, you may be surprised
As the following verses reveal

For starters, four litres of water
Complete with plastic bottle and cap
Or 16,000 litres every drop as good
For those bothered to turn on a tap

A Tom Jones Concert Tour Programme
There’s another to add to your list
It won’t get you into the concert
But you’ll remember the concert you missed

A big night playing the pokies
Twenty dollars in coins for a float
That ought to be good for at least fifteen seconds
So there’s no need to take off your coat

The ferry from Melbourne to Williamstown
A boat trip is good for the soul
There and back under the Bolte Bridge
Without the pricks charging a toll

Twenty will get you a spray on tan
Who knows you might go places
It’s quite the rage down at Channel Nine
You could end up a star on Red Faces

A tour of Melbourne’s buskers
The rewards are well worth the toil
Be careful, you might find something you like
Unless your name is Robert Doyle

A bang up feed out in Footsgray
Or for those who lean more middle class
A cheeky Pinot at Southbank
Twenty dollars almost buys you a glass

A universal TV remote
Provides hours of stimulation
Hide outside your neighbour’s window
Keep changing the volume and station

Six hundred meters of cling wrap
Will envelope your house like a skin
Course you might have trouble departing
But I guarantee no-one breaks in

Sixty BBQ sausages
You’ll find nothing cheaper to eat
Enough preservative to last for a thousand years
I’ve even found traces of meat

Twenty bucks buys an hour in a city car park
But one hour won’t go very far
Takes at least two just to find a spot
Then two more finding your car

An eyebrow wax, or a lip and brow
Inner thighs – There’s a few tears
One breast or one shoulder, stomach or nostrils
Half your back or two pairs of ears

For women, a bikini Brazillian Wax
Should last one or two weeks
Men, twenty dollars will get your arse waxed
Although inner costs more than the cheeks

Nine holes of golf on a public course
Well, green fees, that’s about all
For twenty dollars forget the buggy
The clubs – even the ball

Swing your arms and imagine the ball
Sailing pin high to the green
If you do end up in the bunker
You know your suffering low self esteem

Your score is as good as you want it to be
You’ve finally come up with the goods
No-one can accuse you of cheating
So you’re one up on Tiger Woods

But the biggest bargain in Melbourne is music
Live music – and much of it free
It’s too important a part of our culture
To be buggered by bureaucracy

The Lomond, The Standard, The Gem, The Retreat
The Post Office Club Hotel
The Union, The Pinacle, Pure Pop, Drunken Poet
Many more pubs as well

That’s where I’ll spend my twenty dollars
Put my money square with my mouth
A band, a chat and two pints of Guinness
Then the 96 tram headed South

© Copyright 2010 Ian Bland

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