The theme this week for Jon’s JVG Radio Method on 3RRR is “TWISTING”.

Click to hear today’s poem… [audio:JVG_Poem20080518.mp3]

Jon I and chatted about having a Sunday off last weekend (it was Mother’s Day), how much talent there is in Melbourne and how important community radio is to the development of music and bands

Ed Bates provided a great job on slide for the backing this week.


We grew up in very fortunate times, free of most of life’s deprivations
No world wars or the economic chaos that confronted prior generations

Even so we still had our conflicts, some we weren’t destined to win
Like puberty — guerrilla warfare —- the enemy mostly within

Our primary mission was to try and meet girls; it consumed us by night and by day
On the rare occasion we’d attract their attention, none of us knew what to say

“Squirrel” Tyrrell devised a marketing package involving hair gel and his old man’s transistor
Fortified wine, an Easybeat’s record, cigarettes and a game of “Twister”

We’d stand near the station, puffing fags; hair slicked back, radio tuned to 3XY
If the Carpenter’s came on we’d flick to 3AK, where they assured us “No wrinklies fly”

To our utter amazement the plan seemed to work, though “Squirrel” appeared to be vexed
Even he didn’t think his idea stood a chance, now he had to work out what came next

We decided to adjourn to “Pig” Mill’s house, his parents played golf at weekends
We’d casually invite a girl to play “Twister” and hope she’d convince all her friends

“Pig” had a strategy, you choose the dots on the edges, that strategy proved hard to beat
It forced the girls to stretch between his legs, he didn’t care if it was hands or their feet

But “Twister” was never my forte; regardless I’d still persevere
Whichever dot I chose I’d end up on all fours — with an elbow jammed up my rear

We’d put on “The Easybeats” “I’ll make you happy” the result was not unsurprising
Lucky we grew up in more forgiving times or they’d have sued us for false advertising

My task — to procure the refreshments, the challenge — not to get caught
Stored in a cupboard in “Pig’s” parent’s garage — a four gallon flagon of Port

“Spanner” Chaplee was a master of alchemy, as he proved to us with his beaker
He diluted the Port 50/50 with water without the colour appearing any weaker

We kept adding water weekend after weekend, his parents blind to our scam
The colour faded pale as a cheap rose, more water than the Moroondah dam

It was “Squirrel’s” suggestion to add the “Ribena” — once again he proved quite astute
The colour was right — the texture was perfect and God knows there was plenty of fruit

“Pig’s” parents didn’t notice the difference — in fact they appeared quite chuffed with the slurry
The Mills’ soon gained quite a reputation for their port shipped in from the Murray

Within days we had them on pure “Ribena” — no wonder they were so energetic
Looking back now it’s a miracle the whole neighbourhood wasn’t diabetic

A night at the Mills for Port, cheese and crackers was an occasion not to be missed
Even though they were drinking straight cordial they still behaved like they were pissed

“Pig’s” uncle, a wine buff, called it complex and rich, the Smyths declared it divine
It proved as we suspected; most adults are wankers — especially when talking about wine

Before long they were quaffing four flagons a week, we no longer found the scam so appealing
Syphoning the “real” Port into Marchants bottles and then hiding them up in the ceiling

“Rabbit” remarked after a trip to the milk bar — “We aren’t quite as smart as we thought”
It costs more to buy a bottle of “Ribena” than it does for a cheap flagon of Port

So we gradually weaned them back to the real stuff — but no one seemed quite as merry
After a while they went off the port and started drinking Cream Sherry

Old man Mills is still alive – just! — Only sips the occasional light beer
But mention that Port and his eyes light up — “69 was a bloody good year”

Twister? I never played it again — it wasn’t my game as I said
But “Squirrel” experimented for a while — halved the dots and made them all red

This story’s fair dinkum, it happened just as I’ve told — for you sceptics looking for proof
If you fancy a Port, find the “Mills'” old house — there’s gallons still up in the roof

© Copyright 2008 Ian Bland

One comment on “Bland On Bland – Twisting

  • Your wry, ironic and thoughtful pieces are a delight and are a treasured segment on one of my favourite radio shows.

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