Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Velvet“.

Good theme this week. Jon had an unexpected moment of “linearity” and picked one that actually had a link to reality ( unlike some weeks). The band in this week was “Velvet Bloom”, so a nice simple choice.

We spent a good amount of the segment discussing urban green spaces and how lucky we are and the writing process I use for the poems. As I said a good week.

Here is this weeks poem, Ed Bates provided the guitar backing, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:


I met a girl on ebay; her handle was Ophelia
She was selling a collection of Pauline Hanson memorabilia

Not that I was interested; wouldn’t buy it in a fit
I was curious to see who’d collect that sort of shit

Turned out it wasn’t hers but an aunt’s deceased estate
We seemed to hit it off so we organised a date

Now I’m pretty easy going; not too shallow, not too deep
My ex said I was laid back; at least when I’m asleep

I don’t mind someone who’s different; look at me, I’m borderline
I can tolerate most foibles if they can deal with mine

The tattoo on her forehead of a Klingon looked quite sound
The Klingon seemed to smile every time Ophelia frowned

It’s nobody’s business what she does to her face
Even had an eye removed and a webcam in its place

It seemed a little strange at first, but it was in full HD
When Ophelia went to the movies I’d log on and watch for free

Hair styled by a topiarist was really quite unique
The lip implants converted her mouth into a beak

She’d pretend to be a bird; didn’t say what breed
She’d perch up on the mantelpiece and have me throw her seed

Live scorpions for earrings; why not? Each to their own
Played Mozart with her nostrils thanks to reeds from a saxophone

She holidayed in her wardrobe; seemed rational to me
You get a change of scenery and cheaper than Air B & B

Her body was tax deductible; she was very, very smart
Had herself registered as installation art

Nothing she did could phase me; our love was secure you’d think
Who’d have thought a relationship could end because of a drink?

Every one of us has our limits; a line that can’t be crossed
And once that line is broken then the relationship is lost

It started off romantically; Ophelia had a surprise
She’d made her favourite cocktail and I had to close my eyes

The second it hit my tongue I knew something was terribly wrong
It was somewhere between blood and bone and water out of a bong

Black Velvet, it was named; Guinness and sparkling wine
What sort of pervert mixes perfection with fruit plucked from a vine?

You can screw around with your boutique gins, expensive and bespoke
Put pineapple in tequila; poison your scotch with coke

Even soy milk paired with vodka, though it reeks of inhumanity
But adulterating Guinness is the ultimate profanity

The dalliance was over; ignorance no excuse
This wasn’t merely a cocktail gone wrong; this was tongue abuse

Black Velvet stole my taste buds; plus a can of Guinness wasted
Once something soils your palate it can never be untasted

If a pissy little cocktail can leave me irascible and fraught
I guess it goes to show I’m not as laid back as I thought

© Copyright 2019 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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