Bland On Bland – Volunteering

Bland On Bland – The BookThe theme for this week’s 3RRR JVG Radio Method poem is “Volunteering“.

2022 and still phoning the show in.

I felt the best way to start the year off was with a tale from the “neighbourhood”.

Ed Bates provided the musical backing.

Thatch provided the audio production, have a listen to how it went below…

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Volunteering

Not known for his speed or charitable deeds, ‘Pig’ was nonetheless quick to seize an opportunity.

When the Reverend Bonehill called for two volunteers to navigate late comers around the partially renovated bell tower to a temporary entrance at the rear of the church, ‘Pig’ and ‘Rabbit’s’ hands shot up faster than a chameleon’s tongue.

While those inside shuffled uncomfortably on the hard wooden pews suffering through the tribulations of Job, ‘Pig’ was free to lie on the nature strip and indulge his second favourite pastime – doing absolutely nothing.

“If only God had finished creating the world on a Sunday” bemoaned ‘Pig’.

“What are you on about?” sighed ‘Rabbit’ disdainfully, annoyed at being disturbed half way through his Phantom comic.

“Work it out for yourself knobhead” snarled ‘Pig’ “If God had finished creating the world on a Sunday then Monday would have been a day of rest, meaning we’d get three days off school instead of two and church wouldn’t screw up the weekend”

‘Rabbit’ shook his head. “You’re a fruitcake ‘Pig’. Until God created the world there were no days or nights or anything else for that matter”.

“Of course there were idiot” scoffed ‘Pig’ “How could God create the world in six days if there were no days? He invented the calendar so he could keep track of things.”

“Alright ‘Pig’” reasoned ‘Rabbit’ “let’s pretend God had finished creating the world on a Sunday, then the weekend would be Sunday and Monday and we’d go to school Tuesday to Saturday so your theory’s rooted.”

“They wouldn’t dare” barked ‘Pig’ “Football’s on Saturday, there’d be a bloody riot”

“Jesus ‘Pig’ has all that chewing loosened the bolts in your scone? Football would be played on Sunday and church would be on a Monday, get it?”

“Rubbish” sneered ‘Pig’ “who goes to church on a Monday?”

Exasperated, ‘Rabbit’ rolled up his comic and twisted it like a Christmas cracker “Of course they would you dickhead, because Sunday would be Monday, and Monday would be Tuesday and even you should be able to work out the rest”

‘Pig’ squinted momentarily, filled his mouth with aniseed balls and began cracking his knuckles, a sure sign the tide of debate had ventured out way beyond the limits of his cognitive capacity, leaving him beached on a sandbank of ignorance like a dying minnow.

Realising no intelligent response would be forthcoming, ‘Rabbit’ straightened out the creases and returned to reading his comic.

Following a prolonged silence ‘Pig’ shrugged “I suppose it could have been worse. If God had started work on a Saturday we wouldn’t have a weekend at all”

If ‘Pig’ hoped for further debate he would be sorely disappointed. ‘Rabbit’ had long retreated to Skull Island courtesy of the Phantom. Better the Ghost who walks than the moron who talks.

© Copyright 2022 Ian Bland


Also have a listen to “Everything or Nothing

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