Photo By Jools Thatcher

Photo By Jools Thatcher

The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “ Washing “.

Good afternoon John,
This week I’m on the east coast of Ireland, about 20 k’s south of the border for the wedding of Holly Butterly and Gary Martin, and what a wedding it’s been.

There’s drinking, eating, feuding, music, dancing and plenty of crack – and I don’t mean the sort you ingest!
It’s been going for about six days now with no end in sight and there’s a good chance I might never come back. Won’t Ed be pleased!

We’ve all been allocated tasks – the kids to go and steal flowers for the church, the adolescents to poach salmon from the river and my task, would you believe it, is to organise the washing up!

Maybe just one more little whisky before I get started!

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Also have a listen to the tracks on the new EP “Once We Were Kings Of The World


A great idea, in theory; we both come out a winner
One night you do the washing up, next you cook the dinner

You expect some teething problems, fine tune and reassess
There are a few minor issues I’m eager to address

Now I know it says they’re ready cooked, I’ve taken that onboard
But fish fingers and frozen chips taste better when they’re thawed

No doubt your mum can cook and does omelettes very well
But when she said four eggs I don’t think she meant the shell

Don’t think I’m complaining, I like baked beans on toast
But why did you need ten saucepans? It’s not a bloody roast

Please don’t use the microwave to dry your jocks and socks
Yes, frozen pizza’s fine – but not still in the box

I empathise, washing up, almost everybody loathes
But the washing machine’s designed exclusively for clothes

I know you wrapped them in a towel before you put them in
You might have got away with soak but pushed your luck with spin

I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll give you a reminder
You can’t clean the oven – ever! With an angle grinder

While scourers are effective it should probably be noted
Not the wisest option when the pan is Teflon coated

While I’m on that subject, not meant as an attack
Teflon coated pans! You don’t scrape off the black!

A drill for a whisk? Resourceful I admit
Although it would have caused less damage if you first removed the bit

I applaud all acts of cleanliness, not trying to give you grief
But the coffee plunger’s not the place for soaking your false teeth

I hope you’re not offended by my personal critiquing
Our arrangement will improve with a little bit of tweaking

So tonight I’ll cook, your turn to wash, let’s have no more debates
I’ll get the Chinese take away, you get the paper plates

© Copyright 2011 Ian Bland

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