Bland On Bland – Wearing Things Well

RRRBBQDay2014_046The theme for this week’s JVG Radio Method poem is “Wearing Things Well“.

Good afternoon Jon and greetings, once again from Coventry.

Well the English summer is in full swing and we’re in the middle of a heat wave – it even broke through the 20 degree mark yesterday – they’re dropping like flies.

To celebrate the season I decided I needed a new outfit and given clothes shopping is not my favourite pastime, I enlisted the help of one of the doyens of the Coventry music scene, Elaine Tierney, always brutally honest, to give her opinion on my fashion choices.

To play this poem directly in your browser – just click the “play” button below:

Wearing Things Well

Well, what do you think? C’mon, take a look
Can’t it wait, I’m reading a book

You could show some interest, it is a surprise
Okay, okay, I’m closing my eyes

Da Da! Well? God, what are those
What do you think? My new set of clothes

Well tell me – say something! Go on, quit stalling
Ahh, they, I mean them, Oh God, they’re appalling

Stop fooling around. Just a no or a yes?
They’re great – for a retro bad taste fancy dress

What? These are hip, what would you know?
They possibly were, three decades ago

They look really creepy on a man of your age
What, over thirty we should all dress in beige?

You’re a long way past thirty, are you totally insane?
Aghhh, a nipple ring, I hate to think what’s on the end of the chain

It was reduced to half price. I couldn’t refuse it
Chain goes to my wallet- you know, so I don’t lose it

A lime green body shirt with cacti motif?
A pink leopard print vest? Make up? Good grief

How about the jeans? They good or what?
They’re slimline Ian – slimline, you’re not

That haircut, it’s like your heads had a wedgie
I’m just changing my style, you know, little bet edgy

A reverse Mohican? Your head looks like a crater
Well, the top bits on order – they’ll glue it on later

Lose the orange eyeliner it’s tacky and it’s crude
I can’t rub it off – I’ve had it tattooed

You’re a dickhead Ian, you’re so self obsessed
I’m getting the vibe you’re not really that impressed

Not impressed? You moron! Are you that dimwitted?
Calm down, I hear you, let’s call it uncommitted

If only your taste was as sharp as your pride
Ouch! My turn, I admit that I lied

Lied about what? C’mon, confess
Alright, your arse does look fat in that dress

No, no, please – not the nipple ring! Agh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought you said the chain was attached to your wallet?

Help me up will you, my jeans are so tight I can’t bend my legs!

Stop whimpering, your tattoo’s running!

© Copyright 2016 Ian Bland

Also have a listen to the songs on “Angel In Reverse

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